A year ago
Evan and I went to a visiting member care (ie counseling, respite, anything
related to helping missionaries live and not have breakdowns or burnouts)
ministers Jocelyn and Stephen Head to talk about the year and how it has
affected our family. During the course of our conversation we came to realize that
this last year or even the last two years haven’t been our only examples of
transition in our lives.
Basically,
as Stephen and Jocelyn pointed out, we have been in an almost constant state of
transition for the past 6 years (our entire marriage). The very fact of us
getting married is a point of transition. We went from living apart to living
together, we moved to a different town, I was no longer in school, no longer
had a job (and continued to not have one for over a year)…then we moved into
our first home, had our first child, were accepted into Wycliffe Membership,
began fundraising, went to various trainings, had another child, went to more
trainings, grandparents passed away (two of mine within months of us leaving to
come to PNG), had to sign our house back to the bank, lived with friends, the
list goes on and on and that is BEFORE coming here.
Since that
time we have continued to go through transitions. Everyone experiences
transitions; perhaps we all think ours are the most acute. Constant adjustment
is the lot of missionaries. However, just because something is always present,
doesn’t mean it is always easy to deal with.
As parents
of Missionary Kids (MKs), watching out for your children’s mental, emotional
and spiritual well-being trumps looking after your own.
Evan started
his manager position back in April. This was quite a change for us. Additionally, in the last few months we have
had a few partners drop financial support. We are also anticipating some more
discontinuing as we finish our term here in Papua New Guinea. Every month we
are very close to the line being able to pay our fixed expenses or not. To that
end, we have tightened our belts as much as we can. Frankly, some days I feel
like an Edwardian lady. Never
mind SAVING for anything. Hence, the appeal for the money for Evan to go to
Thailand for the training. As I have been really trying to focus on making sure
the family, especially the kids are okay, I am doing a bull-dozer of a job over
my own life. And probably not always being as kind and patient as I should be.
A few days ago I realized I was waking up every morning with my
jaw tightly clenched. This is something that started doing when overly stressed
when we were still in the US. Most of the time during the day I am aware enough
to keep my teeth a little apart so I don’t clench. But when I am sleeping I
can’t control it. I realized in doing some journaling (something I don’t do
often but when I do it usually helps to clarify and organize my thoughts and
feelings) that morning, that it wasn’t just our monthly money woes causing me
to clench my jaw. It was also me dealing with the idea of letting go of being
able to travel with Evan to Thailand. Because, let’s face it, $3,500 is a LOT
easier to come up with than $8,500. At least in human terms, I fully
acknowledge anything can be accomplished if God wills it.
Ultimately, the training is for Evan and I don’t NEED to go.
I do WANT to go. Our friends the Cheeseman’s are there and it
would be great to see them again, who DOESN’T want to visit Malaysia and
Thailand, I would be able to get yummy take-out food on weekends and during the
week someone else would be cooking for three weeks, and I would be able to
process leaving PNG and re-entering America BEFORE I get there. I have discovered
through various comings and goings over the last couple of years, I am a
“post-griever”. Meaning I get through events and transitions, leave places and
THEN I cry and process through.
ANYWAY, the point is, I came to the realization that perhaps God
is going to use this as another molding experience. An experience where I have
to let go of the hurt and jealousy over Evan being able to go to Thailand and I
having to stay in Ukarumpa for almost four weeks (4 days to travel there and 3
weeks of training) on my own with the kids. Processing on my own in the midst
of it all.
I always thought I was destined to be a wife and mom. I guess I
never really thought about WHERE I would be doing those things. I guess I
thought it wouldn’t matter, but as I have lived here and felt over and over a
failure at the things I thought I was supposed to just be able to gracefully do
(since I was called to be this right?) I have come to realize I had set
expectations for how it was supposed to be and how it was all supposed to look
and that is just not possible, for me, here. Solo travel, other family members
taking care of the kids for the day or weekend, eating out, take-away,
expendable income....to name a few things that I must have unconsciously
thought would always be a part of my life, and they aren’t going to be. And,
well, I just have to get over it. And it will take some time and some hurting
from all the stretching and letting go, but I am beginning to accept and adjust
my expectations. I have spent so long here going from crisis to crisis and
transition to transition I haven’t really had the time to fully process through
what is hindering me and hurting my family. And what I need to do and ask for,
to help me. But I am starting to
understand now; growing in God and in life. Ultimately, I think I will be able
to finish well our first term here and I am already looking forward to our
return more than a year away. And for that I am happy and content.
1 comment:
Oh my, how I can relate to this post. Sorry I haven't ever introduced myself. I have been reading your blog since you moved to PNG and we met once in the States, I am Evan's somehow-cousin and I live in Uganda. I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you guys. Daniel and I have also been in an almost constant state of transition for our 3.5 years of marriage...from marriage to deputation to moving to Uganda to adopting...I am actually a pre-griever so it's been interesting for me because sometimes, in the chaos of everything I am already over it and grieving the NEXT thing. And there is always a next thing. Anyway, I pray that you are able to finish strong with your donors this term and that you are refreshed and encouraged.
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