I am having a difficult time sleeping. My mind is racing through all different things. Things that make sense, some that don’t, some that are terrible scenarios…I can’t shut it off, the only thing to do is to write and try to get it all down and then maybe I can get some sleep.
Robin, my father-in-law is in the hospital. He went in on Thursday night. I am very frightened, even though everyone else in the family seems to be taking this as something rather routine. In a way it is because of Robin’s crohn’s and his tendency to be hospitalized at least once a year. I am new to the family though and don’t see it as routine. Also, Richard, Evan’s brother is coming from Seattle this week. That makes me scared. Why would Richard be coming if it wasn’t serious?
The thing that makes me nervous is that this doesn’t have anything (as far as they can tell) to do with Robin’s illness. Initially they thought it was an infection caused by the needle from his prednisone shot nicking a nerve or something. Making his leg swell and become both numb and inflamed. Now, his leg is becoming almost unrecognizable, they have ruled out the shot as the culprit, still believe it is an infection but do not know the cause. Nor it seems how to stop it. They are taking blood draws about every hour, his blood is not clotting, he has been sent in for a second MRI.
I love Robin. He is, as Anne of Green Gables would say, a “kindred spirit”. He and I have been getting to know each other over the last couple of years and I enjoy him. He doesn’t always look on the bright side of life, but he most often is looking at the good in life. He is the person in Evan’s family that I most relate to and can speak freely with. I don’t feel overwhelmed by him, nor belittled. He makes me laugh and I think, in all honesty, he keeps my mother-in-law from becoming a complete recluse crazy cat/dog lady.
Robin’s sudden downturn is happening on the heels of Evan and I beginning in earnest to make the move to PNG. I think that it is part of Satan’s attempts to bring stress, doubt, anything bad into our lives right now. There have been other things happening recently that are (in our minds) also in line with this theory.
I was suffering from pretty bad paranoia (and thus interrupted sleep patterns) for about a week off and on. At first I just had these horrid feelings of being watched, of thinking someone was in the house. Then I was overwhelmed with the feeling that someone was going to try to kidnap Liam. I even resorted to at first locking his window and then bringing him into bed with me, because I couldn’t sleep after having these thoughts. Evan and I talked about it and I have been praying and that seems to be working…There are other things going on that I don’t really want to get into. Paramount on my mind is Robin and now that I have laid out my fear I think I can try and sleep now.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
mental gymnastics
So I have been going through a lot mentally lately....one reason I guess that I am up at almost ten and I have to get up tomorrow morning at 3:30.
We are in the process of getting ready to go to PNG and I have been flipping back and forth between being very excited to go and almost dreading it, wanting to postpone another year....
I have these visions of community, warm nights sitting around a table playing games and talking with friends, riding a 4-wheeler to market, fresh fruit and veg, the amazing climate and culture. AND THEN I think about not being able to talk to my family and friends on the phone, let alone get in the car and go visit. I mean I was thinking about it today, Liam will be 5 years old before we come back! We will have to leave our pets, and we can't explain to them why we are leaving them...The seasons I will miss...4 years of no fall colors, no snow.
The other thing I have been going through is dealing with leaving Liam to go back to work one day a week. Last Wednesday was my first day back, the first time I left him for more than a 1/2 hour. I cried on the way into town. Once I got to work it was okay, but I am sort of dreading tomorrow. My second day. I know it is good for me and for him. But it still hurts.
Well, that is all off my chest. I guess I better try to sleep now.
We are in the process of getting ready to go to PNG and I have been flipping back and forth between being very excited to go and almost dreading it, wanting to postpone another year....
I have these visions of community, warm nights sitting around a table playing games and talking with friends, riding a 4-wheeler to market, fresh fruit and veg, the amazing climate and culture. AND THEN I think about not being able to talk to my family and friends on the phone, let alone get in the car and go visit. I mean I was thinking about it today, Liam will be 5 years old before we come back! We will have to leave our pets, and we can't explain to them why we are leaving them...The seasons I will miss...4 years of no fall colors, no snow.
The other thing I have been going through is dealing with leaving Liam to go back to work one day a week. Last Wednesday was my first day back, the first time I left him for more than a 1/2 hour. I cried on the way into town. Once I got to work it was okay, but I am sort of dreading tomorrow. My second day. I know it is good for me and for him. But it still hurts.
Well, that is all off my chest. I guess I better try to sleep now.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
On the road to Papua New Guinea...
Well, we are officially starting the process of going to Papua New Guinea. We met with representatives from Wycliffe so they could make sure we weren't totally insane. We have received our applications, which we need to fill out by like August 10th or so...if we want to meet the deadline for "Equip" (which is the training program that is 6 weeks of online coursework and then a 2 week program in Orlando). At the end of which we will be official members of Wycliffe. After that we have to secure all of our support and Evan will quit his job. We will also have to get passports (well, renewed ones for Evan and me and a brand-new one for Liam) and visas.
Also, we will have to fugure out what we are going to do with the house. We will most likely try to rent it out for the four years we will be gone and then we come back on furlough we will maybe be able to sell it and get the house that we will be able to grow in. We will get a storage container and park in on our property or Justin's and pack up the house. Decide what we keep (AKA ship over to PNG), store, or get rid of. I think that will be hard for me. Of course the hardest thing will be leaving behind my family and friends. Also, we will have to leave behind the cats and Winston. Winston will be going to my in-laws and I am not sure where the cats will go. Maybe to Justin and Keauri's. I don't want to give them to strangers. We raised them from kittens feeding them milk with a syringe and I just can't bring myself to NEVER see them again. It is going to be hard enough to leave them and Winston for four years. They also trust us to come back even after a week or so...especially Winston. When we leave him at my in-laws he gets antsy for us after a couple of days. I can't imagine what's going to happen we leave and don't come back. It makes me sad just thinking about it.
As the reality of it all sinks in I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed and apprehensive. But I am talking with Evan and trying to keep everything in perspective and under check. I am also working on preparing myself in various ways so I won't feel like such a fish out of water. I am going to start peeling veggies with a knife as opposed to a peeler like the nationals do. Also, I am using the kids books that some friends sent us to start learning pidgeon. I also asked Evan to give me some excercises in pidgeon so I am can be already learning when we start the training course.
I am starting Jazzercise again so I am try and get fit-ish again. *Sigh*
Well, life is calling...I should go wake up Liam so he can eat. Evan is off with his dad for a few hours so I am going to spend time just vegging in front of the tv and doing little things like putting all the addresses in my address book and translating what I can from the pidgeon coloring book.
Also, we will have to fugure out what we are going to do with the house. We will most likely try to rent it out for the four years we will be gone and then we come back on furlough we will maybe be able to sell it and get the house that we will be able to grow in. We will get a storage container and park in on our property or Justin's and pack up the house. Decide what we keep (AKA ship over to PNG), store, or get rid of. I think that will be hard for me. Of course the hardest thing will be leaving behind my family and friends. Also, we will have to leave behind the cats and Winston. Winston will be going to my in-laws and I am not sure where the cats will go. Maybe to Justin and Keauri's. I don't want to give them to strangers. We raised them from kittens feeding them milk with a syringe and I just can't bring myself to NEVER see them again. It is going to be hard enough to leave them and Winston for four years. They also trust us to come back even after a week or so...especially Winston. When we leave him at my in-laws he gets antsy for us after a couple of days. I can't imagine what's going to happen we leave and don't come back. It makes me sad just thinking about it.
As the reality of it all sinks in I am starting to feel a little overwhelmed and apprehensive. But I am talking with Evan and trying to keep everything in perspective and under check. I am also working on preparing myself in various ways so I won't feel like such a fish out of water. I am going to start peeling veggies with a knife as opposed to a peeler like the nationals do. Also, I am using the kids books that some friends sent us to start learning pidgeon. I also asked Evan to give me some excercises in pidgeon so I am can be already learning when we start the training course.
I am starting Jazzercise again so I am try and get fit-ish again. *Sigh*
Well, life is calling...I should go wake up Liam so he can eat. Evan is off with his dad for a few hours so I am going to spend time just vegging in front of the tv and doing little things like putting all the addresses in my address book and translating what I can from the pidgeon coloring book.
Monday, June 8, 2009
slowly adjusting
Well, Liam will be 1 month tomorrow. Amazing how fast and yet how slowly life has gone by since he was born. I have been doing my best to be a good mommy and I think I have done a pretty good job so far.
He went in for his first checkup and he was up to 7 lbs. 7 oz. which is great. It makes me happy to know he is definately getting enough to eat. I am also feeling pretty good myself as he has slept pretty solidly the last two nights. Which means he only woke up 2-3 times between 10 PM and 5 AM. I am happy about that.
Liam is a very good baby, he doesn't really fuss unless he really needs something and it doesn't take much to figure out what he needs. I still am often struck with how sereal the whole thing is though. I can't believe I am a mom, that he is really my baby and this is life now. I go between being totally content and sort of a panic. I am a mom now and all of my decisions and actions are based on this fact. I have to think about him before doing anything.
However because he is such a good baby I can go anywhere with him...I am going to a bridal shower today for instance and I don't have any issues with bringing the boy along...
Uh-oh I hear him starting to cry so I better go check on him.
He went in for his first checkup and he was up to 7 lbs. 7 oz. which is great. It makes me happy to know he is definately getting enough to eat. I am also feeling pretty good myself as he has slept pretty solidly the last two nights. Which means he only woke up 2-3 times between 10 PM and 5 AM. I am happy about that.
Liam is a very good baby, he doesn't really fuss unless he really needs something and it doesn't take much to figure out what he needs. I still am often struck with how sereal the whole thing is though. I can't believe I am a mom, that he is really my baby and this is life now. I go between being totally content and sort of a panic. I am a mom now and all of my decisions and actions are based on this fact. I have to think about him before doing anything.
However because he is such a good baby I can go anywhere with him...I am going to a bridal shower today for instance and I don't have any issues with bringing the boy along...
Uh-oh I hear him starting to cry so I better go check on him.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Recovering...
SO...
It's been a real long time. For a while I just stopped because there was nothing to write but that I was still pregnant and not very happy about it.
On Mother's Day I went into labor. I started having contractions in the morning but didn't really pay much attention because I had been having all those pre-labor contractions before without them doing jack. By the end of church though they were getting stronger and seemed to be have a peak and ebb. So after lunch I started timing them.
I timed them for an hour and they were between 8 and 6 minutes apart and lasting about a minute long. So we decided to go into the birthing center and get checked to see if anything was happening. Much to my surprise I was 60% effaced and 1 centimeter dilated. I was pretty cynical at that point that I was ever going to actually go into labor. They left it up to me as to whether I wanted to go home and labor for a while there or get admitted. Since I couldn't eat or anything after I got admitted and they didn't know how long it was going to take for me progress I decided to go home.
Well, we went home and had dinner but I just was getting more and more uncomfortable. I tried laying down. leaning over the bed with my back against the wall, but not much was helping to ease the pain. Only about an hour had past but the contractions started coming a lot faster (between 5 and 3 minutes) and they didn't ever really go away. Someone told me that in between contractions you feel like you can play basketball, but that never happened. We decided to go back because I didn't think I could go much more before I would be super uncomfortable for even the short 10 minute car ride. When we got there they checked me again and said that was almost to three centimeters and again it was up to me whether I wanted to be admitted. I kind of was surprised at that considering it had only been an hour. But I guess some women stay at 2 centimeters for a long time.
I decided that I wanted to stay at the hospital. My parents showed up and Keauri came down from Vernonia. I progressed quickly from 3 to 6 in about 2 hours and the from 6 to complete in about 2 hours. The labor was very intense and barely gave me time to rest. I can't believe those stories about women who SLEEP between contractions. I barely had time to relax my body. I tried using the soaking tub and the shower. Evan as super supportive as well as my parents and Keauri. The only time Evan left or had to take a break was when he got light-headed from trying to help me breath and when the put in my epidural.
I was really surprised my dad stayed through the whole thing. The only time he left was when I was getting into a new gown after the bath and shower and when I was getting my cervix checked. I threw up several times throughout. I guess that was just the way things were going to be, vomit at the beginning and at the end.
Sometime in-between 6 and 10 centimeters I decided I needed an epidural. I had tried the IV pain killer and that hadn't really done much. If I had known how long it was going to take to get everything ready I would have asked for one sooner. It took about a 1/2 hour to push the IV fluids and get Dr. Demaster there and set up. Just as he was finishing up I felt the urge to push so they checked me again and I was complete. But Dr. Neeld decided to let me rest for a while before backing off the meds and letting me push. That was good because it would have taken a lot longer if he hadn't let me do that. After I started I pushed for about 20 minutes and there he was! My beautiful boy!
Now we are home and it has been interesting. On Tuesday night, the first night at home I had a bit of a breakdown. But Evan and Keauri were here and helped and now we are doing okay. I am still learning how to breast-feed right and we are trying to get him to sleep more at night and less during the day. Last night was an experience. We had a bat fly into our room. I think the cat caught it and brought it in and then let it go. Evan got it out the back door early this morning when he got up for work.
He has been growing and changing so much and he is only about 2 weeks old! Evan is going to take next week off as a friend from out of state is coming in for a visit. It will be lots of fun! But I hear Liam getting ready to wake up so I should go and see if he is hungry. Also, fix myself some lunch while I have the chance.
It's been a real long time. For a while I just stopped because there was nothing to write but that I was still pregnant and not very happy about it.
On Mother's Day I went into labor. I started having contractions in the morning but didn't really pay much attention because I had been having all those pre-labor contractions before without them doing jack. By the end of church though they were getting stronger and seemed to be have a peak and ebb. So after lunch I started timing them.
I timed them for an hour and they were between 8 and 6 minutes apart and lasting about a minute long. So we decided to go into the birthing center and get checked to see if anything was happening. Much to my surprise I was 60% effaced and 1 centimeter dilated. I was pretty cynical at that point that I was ever going to actually go into labor. They left it up to me as to whether I wanted to go home and labor for a while there or get admitted. Since I couldn't eat or anything after I got admitted and they didn't know how long it was going to take for me progress I decided to go home.
Well, we went home and had dinner but I just was getting more and more uncomfortable. I tried laying down. leaning over the bed with my back against the wall, but not much was helping to ease the pain. Only about an hour had past but the contractions started coming a lot faster (between 5 and 3 minutes) and they didn't ever really go away. Someone told me that in between contractions you feel like you can play basketball, but that never happened. We decided to go back because I didn't think I could go much more before I would be super uncomfortable for even the short 10 minute car ride. When we got there they checked me again and said that was almost to three centimeters and again it was up to me whether I wanted to be admitted. I kind of was surprised at that considering it had only been an hour. But I guess some women stay at 2 centimeters for a long time.
I decided that I wanted to stay at the hospital. My parents showed up and Keauri came down from Vernonia. I progressed quickly from 3 to 6 in about 2 hours and the from 6 to complete in about 2 hours. The labor was very intense and barely gave me time to rest. I can't believe those stories about women who SLEEP between contractions. I barely had time to relax my body. I tried using the soaking tub and the shower. Evan as super supportive as well as my parents and Keauri. The only time Evan left or had to take a break was when he got light-headed from trying to help me breath and when the put in my epidural.
I was really surprised my dad stayed through the whole thing. The only time he left was when I was getting into a new gown after the bath and shower and when I was getting my cervix checked. I threw up several times throughout. I guess that was just the way things were going to be, vomit at the beginning and at the end.
Sometime in-between 6 and 10 centimeters I decided I needed an epidural. I had tried the IV pain killer and that hadn't really done much. If I had known how long it was going to take to get everything ready I would have asked for one sooner. It took about a 1/2 hour to push the IV fluids and get Dr. Demaster there and set up. Just as he was finishing up I felt the urge to push so they checked me again and I was complete. But Dr. Neeld decided to let me rest for a while before backing off the meds and letting me push. That was good because it would have taken a lot longer if he hadn't let me do that. After I started I pushed for about 20 minutes and there he was! My beautiful boy!
Now we are home and it has been interesting. On Tuesday night, the first night at home I had a bit of a breakdown. But Evan and Keauri were here and helped and now we are doing okay. I am still learning how to breast-feed right and we are trying to get him to sleep more at night and less during the day. Last night was an experience. We had a bat fly into our room. I think the cat caught it and brought it in and then let it go. Evan got it out the back door early this morning when he got up for work.
He has been growing and changing so much and he is only about 2 weeks old! Evan is going to take next week off as a friend from out of state is coming in for a visit. It will be lots of fun! But I hear Liam getting ready to wake up so I should go and see if he is hungry. Also, fix myself some lunch while I have the chance.
Friday, May 1, 2009
biding my time
So, I am now officially in the waiting period of my pregnancy. I moved to my parents' house yesterday sans Evan. He will be following me on Saturday or Sunday barring a miracle (AKA I go into labor before then) and will commute to work from here until Liam is born.
Last night sucked. I was already kind of mad because the doctor told me that I was not anywhere near delivery and he also said that he couldn't tell me if Liam had dropped (basically my understanding of this is the baby moves lower in your pelvis and you can breath better and it means (with a first baby) typically that you will deliver within two weeks) because he didn't really know what the term meant and he said there was no correlation between "dropping" and when you deliver. BAH!
Anyway, so then of course I had to spend the night without Evan and that also sucked. I have only been away from him for a night a couple of times since we have been married and this will be...like 4 days and 3 nights without him. I don't know how healthy it is going to be for me if they are all like last night, I couldn't get comfortable until like 10PM (I went to bed at 8) and then I kept waking up to pee and would have to start the process all over again. I am sure he slept fine though which is sort of the important thing right now since he is working and has to get up and drive to work at 4AM.
I was thinking I would like to go visit my brother and sister-in-law in Salem but I don't have a car I can drive here. My parents have stick-shifts and I can barely work those things. I don't think it would be good for me to be that stressed. I suppose there is a possibility I could borrow my grandma's car but I don't think I want to deal with that whole thing...
It is turning into a really nice day and exercise is suppose to be good for getting things moving delivery-wise so I may walk down to my sister-in-law's work and say hi. I am feeling very apathetic lately and I need to work on forcing myself out of the rut.
I wonder how my dog was without me...he did have Evan there though so he probably was just fine. Maybe he will lose a little weight since I won't be there to give him treats (I am a pushover with dogs). Though he isn't really overweight he is just a brick of muscle, which means it is kind of hard for me to walk him right now with my balance all off. He is fine going from the house to the pen in the yard but we can't go anywhere else unless Evan is walking him. Hopefully that will get better after Liam is born...because we will want to take walks with the stroller and it would be bad if he was yanking me and the stroller around...Of course Liam being Evan's son he will probably love it, like an amusement park ride.
Well, I think I am going to get some lunch and then I will maybe take that walk...
Last night sucked. I was already kind of mad because the doctor told me that I was not anywhere near delivery and he also said that he couldn't tell me if Liam had dropped (basically my understanding of this is the baby moves lower in your pelvis and you can breath better and it means (with a first baby) typically that you will deliver within two weeks) because he didn't really know what the term meant and he said there was no correlation between "dropping" and when you deliver. BAH!
Anyway, so then of course I had to spend the night without Evan and that also sucked. I have only been away from him for a night a couple of times since we have been married and this will be...like 4 days and 3 nights without him. I don't know how healthy it is going to be for me if they are all like last night, I couldn't get comfortable until like 10PM (I went to bed at 8) and then I kept waking up to pee and would have to start the process all over again. I am sure he slept fine though which is sort of the important thing right now since he is working and has to get up and drive to work at 4AM.
I was thinking I would like to go visit my brother and sister-in-law in Salem but I don't have a car I can drive here. My parents have stick-shifts and I can barely work those things. I don't think it would be good for me to be that stressed. I suppose there is a possibility I could borrow my grandma's car but I don't think I want to deal with that whole thing...
It is turning into a really nice day and exercise is suppose to be good for getting things moving delivery-wise so I may walk down to my sister-in-law's work and say hi. I am feeling very apathetic lately and I need to work on forcing myself out of the rut.
I wonder how my dog was without me...he did have Evan there though so he probably was just fine. Maybe he will lose a little weight since I won't be there to give him treats (I am a pushover with dogs). Though he isn't really overweight he is just a brick of muscle, which means it is kind of hard for me to walk him right now with my balance all off. He is fine going from the house to the pen in the yard but we can't go anywhere else unless Evan is walking him. Hopefully that will get better after Liam is born...because we will want to take walks with the stroller and it would be bad if he was yanking me and the stroller around...Of course Liam being Evan's son he will probably love it, like an amusement park ride.
Well, I think I am going to get some lunch and then I will maybe take that walk...
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Still pregnant...
I am officially at 37 weeks today. I am "in the zone" as they say...that is I am full-term even though it will be another 3 weeks before any intervention will be considered if I don't go into labor before then...
I am so over being pregnant. I hate the constant acid in my throat, not being able to sleep, wierd aches and pains, being tired practically all the time...I especially am tired of people telling me how tiny I am.
Look just because I didn't use my pregnancy as an excuse to sit on my butt and eat whatever I want and gain 60 pounds or whatever, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me or my baby...back off! The fact that I was able to keep down food successfully is a big deal okay? The only good thing that has come from me being smaller is that it seems to have detered the belly gropers which is nice.
My mom came over last week and helped me get some things organized and she is coming back next week Monday thru Wednesday and then (provided I don't go into labor between now and then) I will go to McMinnville with her. I am a little nervous about living with my parents again. Hopefully it won't be for the whole two weeks we are planning on. Don't get me wrong. I love my parents, but you know the quote "you can never go home again"? Well, that is kind of true. After living away from home for several years now it is not exactly the most comfortable place to be for extended periods of time. Not that they will try to control like when I go to bed or something...not that it will really be an issue as I am pretty much exhausted by this time (9:30) at night anyway. It's hard to explain but...anyway...
I have stopped working so I have nothing much else to write about. My whole life is basically doing housework and watching movies or reading, waiting for Evan to get home. Sounds depressing I guess but I know soon enough it will be filled with many other things, which will be equally boring to most people...but I will blog about them nonetheless. Liam's first smile, grabbing things, giggling at himself in the mirror, whatever. I think one thing I am truely looking forward to is seeing Evan develop as a dad. He is so excited...
Anyway, I really am tired and so I am going to try and sleep. Evan is over at Justin's watching Sweeny Todd. I could only watch that once and I regret doing that...so I am here...
I am so over being pregnant. I hate the constant acid in my throat, not being able to sleep, wierd aches and pains, being tired practically all the time...I especially am tired of people telling me how tiny I am.
Look just because I didn't use my pregnancy as an excuse to sit on my butt and eat whatever I want and gain 60 pounds or whatever, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with me or my baby...back off! The fact that I was able to keep down food successfully is a big deal okay? The only good thing that has come from me being smaller is that it seems to have detered the belly gropers which is nice.
My mom came over last week and helped me get some things organized and she is coming back next week Monday thru Wednesday and then (provided I don't go into labor between now and then) I will go to McMinnville with her. I am a little nervous about living with my parents again. Hopefully it won't be for the whole two weeks we are planning on. Don't get me wrong. I love my parents, but you know the quote "you can never go home again"? Well, that is kind of true. After living away from home for several years now it is not exactly the most comfortable place to be for extended periods of time. Not that they will try to control like when I go to bed or something...not that it will really be an issue as I am pretty much exhausted by this time (9:30) at night anyway. It's hard to explain but...anyway...
I have stopped working so I have nothing much else to write about. My whole life is basically doing housework and watching movies or reading, waiting for Evan to get home. Sounds depressing I guess but I know soon enough it will be filled with many other things, which will be equally boring to most people...but I will blog about them nonetheless. Liam's first smile, grabbing things, giggling at himself in the mirror, whatever. I think one thing I am truely looking forward to is seeing Evan develop as a dad. He is so excited...
Anyway, I really am tired and so I am going to try and sleep. Evan is over at Justin's watching Sweeny Todd. I could only watch that once and I regret doing that...so I am here...
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